Forgiveness

Lately, I've been bombarded with all sorts of indirect remarks on my relationship and behavior with someone, and I've been questioning myself on my relationship with God.

On the reflection of my relationship with God, I feel like I've just slipped away from Him. And the result of this, is that I've changed to become a person that I don't really like: irritated, impatient, harsh and cold. That's what I see when I look in the mirror, and it just shocks me. How far can I fall from grace? Quite far apparently.. I'm not much different on the outside, but I'm a different person on the inside, and it'll be a matter of time before it shows on the outside.. Reminds me of a virus slowly taking over the host's body-- SIN.

I know I'll have to stop and U-turn back again. I'm in the process of doing that now. My relationship with God affects my relationship with others around me. Which brings me to the remarks on myself.

I feel really annoyed and disappointed that people tend to think I'm not going to be able to accept what they throw at me. I get much more furious when I find that they make remarks behind my back, and it somehow reaches me. I try to think of it as a positive thing to improve myself. But the fact that people speak behind my back, and do not correct me up front makes me irritated because I expected more from people my age. I thought speaking behind people's back was something we left behind in primary school. Apparently, most people don't grow out of it.

I'm not perfect, and I acknowledge that. I admit that I need people to point out my behavior and correct me constantly. I am not afraid to know my faults and change. I am open to that. But sometimes, we need to learn how to tell a sister or brother that they should check themselves frankly, rather than keep it to the back of our minds, and tell it to other people because we do not want to face the person directly. It indirectly indicates we don't want to take the responsibility of encouraging and building another person up- typical inconsiderate but need-to-tell-it-to-someone attitude.

I have made mistakes that I regret in the past. I am confused and tired of everyone pointing out my mistakes behind my back instead of telling me up front. It hurts more when I find out about it. Part of me does not want to hear anymore. The other part wants to do so, but keep the good and improve on the bad parts of myself. I wonder how many people can do that..

People call this back-biting, back stabbing, whatever.. I think it's immaturity. So often it is easy for us to judge others, but we forget to look in the mirror and judge that person who is staring back at us. If people had been honest with me and told me as a friend or a sibling-in-Christ, I would have taken it and been grateful for pointing me in the right direction. Instead, I end up with this feeling of uncertainty and inability to trust those that I once called Friend. It's an awful realization that my trust is so easily overlooked. I'm too gullible, vulnerable for my own good, and I've apparently not learned from my past. It will repeat itself many times in the years to come, by different people because there will always be people who are discouraging or dishonest.

I find that the more open I am about my feelings with others, the more hurt I'll end up with. But I'll never stop being honest with myself and others. A good friend is hard to come by indeed. Am I being defensive because my comfort zone has been breeched or am I over looking the good intentions of people?

If people's intentions are good, they would be edifying to my character, and person. This is breaking my heart, not because of the words thrown against me (guerrilla style) but the thought behind the words and actions. It was told to somebody in the hopes that it will never reach me. How am I suppose to correct myself if I don't know? Is this suppose to encourage and build a person up via telapathy?

Some things were better left unknown. Incidentally, God always finds ways to soothe my aching heart because I opened my mail and read this prior to this whole revelation episode:-

A GENTLE ANSWER TURNS AWAY WRATH, BUT A
HARSH WORD STIRS UP ANGER.
( PROVERBS 15:1* NIV )

Dear Siew,
We all become angry sometimes with the words or
actions of another. When we do it is important that we
do not respond to them with words of anger. For it is
written: HE WHO GUARDS HIS MOUTH AND HIS
TONGUE KEEPS HIMSELF FROM CALAMITY, and oh
how true that is indeed! ( PROVERBS 21:23 )

The Apostle Paul wrote:
DO NOT LET ANY UNWHOLESOME TALK COME OUT
OF YOUR MOUTHS, BUT ONLY WHAT IS HELPFUL
FOR BUILDING OTHERS UP ACCORDING TO THEIR
NEEDS, THAT IT MAY BENEFIT THOSE WHO LISTEN.
( EPHESIANS 4:29 ) Further, James the half brother of
Jesus' wrote: OUT OF THE SAME MOUTH COME PRAISE
AND CURSING. MY BROTHERS, THIS SHOULD NOT BE.
( JAMES 3:10 )

After all: PLEASANT WORDS ARE A HONEYCOMB,
SWEET TO THE SOUL AND HEALING TO THE BONES.
( PROVERBS 16:24 ) So Siew, keep your words
soft, sweet and pleasing to our Heavenly Father. After
all He hears every word that we say!

So just as King David did, remember these words when
someone angers you. Then next time before your anger
can take control, recite them in your mind. "MAY THE
WORDS OF MY MOUTH AND THE MEDITATION OF MY
HEART BE PLEASING IN YOUR SIGHT, O LORD, MY
ROCK AND MY REDEEMER. Amen. ( PSALM 19:14 )

In HIS Love & Service,
Pastor Allen

I have been reminded that God is not far away, and that I want to continue to live my life according to that which is pleasing to God, not men. People may throw anything my way out of good or bad intentions, think I'm crazy, but it's what God thinks of me and His word that matters in the end. The rest will fade away in space and time. I have done things which I have deeply regretted in the past, but I know where I stand with God now, and not in the past. Thank You Lord for this lesson indeed. Amen.

"All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." James 3:7-10

'Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" . Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." Matthew 18:21-22