Matters of the heart

It's been a really hectic week for me, both spiritually and emotionally. I seem to check myself again and again. It has not been easy, and i think i need more fish feeding sessions ALONE with my thoughts because it really gives me a divine peaceful feeling as i watch the fishes struggle and fight for the food. No, it is not amusing, but actually sad. They are greedy in a bit, but they cannot help themselves because they are grabbing the opportunity in front of them. They may die tomorrow or today, so they just eat to live.

I have been struggling actually with some matters of the heart. I came home today, and felt like crying again cause of some things which I'm trying to understand and be patient about. I ended up sobbing incessantly, and yeah, i do feel better now. Is this what it means to die to myself each day? God reminds me somehow in my bitterness and sorrow that life goes on. That i must rely on Him for strength, for without Christ i am nothing. That things happen because He allows it to, and because I must be refined again and again. That my focus is on Him, and not anything else. And that once I get my focus right, everything else will fall into place.

However, it is the journey that always makes us strong. And it is when I am constantly being refined again and again, in my heart and soul, painfully but surely, that i reflect more on myself and my walk with Him. What matters most to me? What is my priority in life? It is so easy to say "God" but when things go awry, it gets harder and harder to listen sometimes before it becomes easier again. The easiness comes AFTER i submit to God the control seat and gears and whatever control i have on my life.

God reminds me that I have a lot of things to be focused on now, three being CF, my relationship with God, and my family. I don't have the joy of doing what i do these days, because my heart is not there.. It is painful when people joke crudely, but unintentionally about people dear to me, and I try not to be sensitive about it. My mind is boggled about a lot of things at the moment like transportation, straightening and reasoning out my feelings, CF, Christmas, studies, everything. It is an awful feeling when the world around you just seems so distant and your schedule is sort of always adjusted to accomodate other people because your conscience doesn't allow you to do otherwise. Like what you really want to do is to sit and read a book quietly, spend time in solitude, study but you can't. Not because you can't or you won't actually, but you just can't bear to turn people who are in need down.

I ask myself sometimes why I am so submissive. Why am I so patient with people, why do i bother serving at all, and what am i doing. It is hard. I guess I may be tired, or just not fully recovered from trauma, or maybe it's hormones again. My mind is going round and round in circles. And at the end of the day, i find myself thinking about if this is what it really means to serve others, and put yourself last. Consideration is very much lacking in this world today. I don't know how much longer i can bear all this. Only by God's grace am i able to go through the days.

There have been times when i just want someone to talk to, to actually encourage me in person, someone that i am confortable with. Either i'm thinking too much or i'm making up excuses, but i find none. No one at all, except God. After i pour out my thoughts and lamentations to Him, i feel better, but there is still a little part of me which still feels empty. Maybe i'll go back to being quiet again, to being focused more than ever, and ignoring whatever that is around me, and stop caring because it's just not worth it. It may be easy for some people to be inconsiderate and ignorant, but it's always hard for me.

Every step in life is a journey. I have come so far with God. I don't know if i can go further, but i know that God is with me. Cause He has promised to see me through it ALL. He knows the matters of my heart, and everything else that is boggling my mind. He knows..